Mentoring Mothers: Empathize & Respond

We had a wonderful Mentoring Mothers Meeting yesterday where we discussed the Mentoring principles of Empathizing and Responding to those we mentor (particularly our chidren!).  Here are some brief notes on what was discussed:

What helps you to be more empathetic?
journals
recognize our natural gifts at empathizing and using them
pray to be humble
don't multi-task
be more aware of the subtle & simple
put aside selfishness (what I want to do right now vs. they need me)

One mother expressed our own need to be recharged by them.  So, if your child wants to do something with them or needs to be listened to, let the answer be yes (right then or set a different specific time to meet together).  This will revive you, too.  :-)

What is the first thing to go when life gets a bit chaotic?
Patience!
Time for me
Health (sleeping and eating habits)

This reminded us that though the world teaches a false sense of needing "me time" we still do need to remember to give ourselves permission to meet our own needs an dhave empathy for ourselves as well.  The "You, not Them" principle of TJEd teaches us that we are important and sets the environment in our homes.  Again, not in the selfish way of only devoting time to ourselves, but in an orderly way that allows us to then meet the needs of our children.

How do we learn to listen better? 
though we need to be reasonable, sometimes we need to simply force ourselves to stop and listen
slow down
have an orderly environment (keep some empty space in your home, you can't have order in physical space if you don't have order in your relationships & finances, etc.)
mentally being present
eye contact makes all the difference!

We also took a tangent to talk about raising self-reliant children and remembering that we need to train them and not just expect things from them.  Leading our children to scriptures and prayer by doing so when helping them solve their own problems.  Another good way in responding to them is by asking questions such as "What are you going to do about it?" and "What do you need from me?"  This will help them to trust you, the relationship and give them confidence that they can work through the problem. 

Kunich & Lester stated 4 ways in which we can positively respond:
1. Mentors must truly listen
2. An effective mentor must
3. A mentor should be available much of the time
4. A responsive mentor does not merely react to a protege, but is proactive...[and] anticipate needs, problems and concerns.

Books Mentioned
The Duggars: 20 and Counting!: Raising One of America's Largest Families--How they Do It by the Duggars
7 Habits of Highly Effective People (especially chapter 5) - Stephen R. Covey
I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better - Joy & Gary Lundberg

Mentoring Mothers Discussion

We finally reconvened after a long, beautiful summer.  Our discussion was centered on defining what mentoring really is.  Many ideas: 

one who inspires
walks alongside you
helps you to think
asking questions
not afraid to point out things you need to work on
more experience in certain situation than you

We talked about how a mentor needs a vision, both for themselves and those they mentor.  Weekly interviews are a major part of getting our proteges to catch that vision for themselves as well. 

We talked about being an example for our mentees and showing them the way by example.  How many of us have gleaned positive things from those who inadvertently mentored us (i.e. our parents)?  It's amazing how much our children pick up on without our even knowing it.  :-)

I remember my mom telling me a story about how she was worried about how her kids were going to turn out.  My dad responded, "Then we better not get involved!"  In other words, he knew that we needed to pave our own paths.

From the Student Whisperer we learn about seven different types of mentors:
1. Parent mentors
2. Soul Mentors  (Anne Shirley's "kindred spirit")
3. Expert Mentors (those with knowledge of a skill you want to learn)
4. Leadership Mentors (guides in the liberal arts)
5. Mission mentors (helping you with your specific mission)
6. Gurus (religious mentors)
7. Epiphanies (people, experiences or events that change you)

And, to conclude, I have been fascinated and inspired by the writings of Charlotte Mason.  She said,

Life should be all living, and not merely a tedious passing of time; not all doing or all feeling or all thinking––the strain would be too great––but, all living; that is to say, we should be in touch wherever we go, whatever we hear, whatever we see, with some manner of vital interest. We cannot give the children these interests; we prefer that they should never say they have learned botany or conchology, geology or astronomy. The question is not,––how much does the youth know? when he has finished his education––but how much does he care?

Shakespeare Performance April 2011

A Midsummer's Night's Dream










Mentoring Mothers: Becoming Scholars

Well, our discussion yesterday was great as always. Somewhat sporadic, but good nonetheless. I had some main points about the Scholar Phase of learning that I had learned throughout the month. I think I'll just share those bullet points (with a few interjections of some things that were also mentioned in the meeting).

* What does a scholar phase look like?

At first we talked about how, as mothers, we are busy and can't expect to study 6-8 hours a day like our youth. It's just not realistic. Also, life as a mother makes us scholars as we learn more about our children and running a household. We need to take advantage of the little snippets of time that we have to learn and to grow.

In the end, however, we also recognized that we do need to be leading by example for our children. Our children will study what we study. They will follow our examples (good or bad) and so we do need to put forth the effort to be sure we're doing and/or studying (reading) the things we want them to be doing as well! In response to a woman who claimed she was in the Love of Learning phase, Oliver DeMille said all adults should be in a scholar phase (at least!). So, it's time to step up and pay the price! :-)

Quotes
"To teach you must know, to know you must learn."

"If we do not get a superb education, our children will not receive on either."

* Choosing what to Study
Whereas Love of Learning is about studying what you want to learn, Scholar phase consists of recognizing what it is you need to know and then figuring out how you're going to learn it. We made the distinction that it's not Depth Phase, where you delve into one subject to become an expert, it's learning about all the things you think an educated person needs to know (yes, that includes math!).

In TJEd for Teens I read that if you're not inspired about something, you need to find out what it is in that subject that will inspire you. So, scholar phase is about inspiring yourself (which could be through finding the right mentors as well). This is where requiring comes in. We need to be taking assignments from our children as well. What is it they need to learn or that they're interested in? What is it you want your kids to be studying? Study that! Where can we become stronger so we can become better mentors for our children? What is lacking my MY education? These are the "requirements" we need to accept as scholars.

* Community
Mentoring Mothers has given us a great foundation in forming a community here. Forming a community with Core and Love of Learning ages, we are finding, hasn't been the most beneficial for our area. However, we are seeing the need as our kids get older and start searching for friends and more outside of home experiences, that we're getting closer to really needing a community for our youth. BUT we want it to start with the adults as well. We talked about taking Mentoring Mothers to the next level and becoming more accountable to one another of our own personal goals. It's all still in the works and up for discussion, but this is what we spent our last half hour or so discussing.

So, as I said in the beginning . . . nothing terribly exciting to share really, but it was a helpful discussion for those who were there I think. And we talked about some necessary things for our group personally.

Books to Read
A Well-Educated Mind - Susan Wise Bauer (not to be confused with Well-Trained Mind) . . . this is a great You, Not Them book and a great way to become well-read and well-educated!

TJEd for Teens - Shanon Brooks & Oliver DeMille

Mentoring Mothers Meeting

Mentoring Mothers: Inspire!

Introduction: "Nowhere in the Thomas Jefferson model do we advocate ignoring the student. There are two easy shortcuts...to education: ignore or require. The third type of education, Inspire, is extremely challenging. The conveyor belt seems to have conditioned this generation to believe that if you are not requiring, you are neglecting, and to say "inspire" is just an excuse to ignore (Leadership Education p. 86)."

"Leadership education wants . . . real "men with chests"... who stand with courage and wisdom and do what is needed, and real women who face the world with knowledge of what is right and the virtue and strength to bring it to pass (p.85)."

What inspires you to learn?
Some of our answers: reading & that internal thirst for knowledge, needs of the family, an early solid phase leads naturally to that desire to learn, and exposure to lots of different things.


Three Types of Motivation (from Pudewa)
1. Intrinsic: this is the best form and the one we want to eventually acheive. But that intrinsic desire won't come with everything every time.

2. Inspire: being inspired by something or someone else. When you're around someone who loves something, you can't help but start to love it yourself.

3. Coercive: external rewards. When do we use these? When they are relevent, when it is you following inspiration, when we know that the eventual outcome will be what the child needs to be motivated.

Pudewa shared an example of helping his dyslexic son learn how to read. His son wanted an air soft gun, so Dad would pay him $.01/word. For any whining, the kid was charged $.10. No other money could go toward the gun. This motivated his son into greater learning opportunities than had he not used an external reward.

What happens when there's a "slump?"
"Parents should seek inspiration to prioritize and invest themselves in the study of [the loves of their children] as much as possible in order to b prepared when the child asks questions or needs help or validation (LE, p. 163).

What do you do when you get in a slump?
Our answers: take time to see what is distracting you from your priorities, friends/each other, revisit the TJEd books, etc....

This led to a tangent discussion on Friends and the need for Building a Community (see ingredient #47). Most of us in the group agree that a scholar phase community is a definite need. However, the need for formal & organized activities for the younger groups...maybe not as necessary. I think we came to some conclusion that small group activities may be more beneficial during the early phases and one mom said that it completely depends on each child.

My Three E's of Inspiring
Exposure
Andrew Pudewa fully advocates the Suzuki method of teaching (Earliest age, best environment, best teacher, best method). What I took home from this is making all subjects part of your natural environment. Exposing our children to many different topics, ideas, questions and experiences gives them that thirst for learning and shows them all the possibilities that are out there.

One way to expose them to different things is through what TJEd calls Kidschool (we at our house call it "Group Learning Time"). This is where I have the opportuniy to expose them to what I am learning OR what I'm excited about them learning. For me this involves a lot of reading, games and a project here or there.

Here we went on yet another tangent topic: MATH EXPOSURE and making math just as much part of your daily living as reading AND getting rid of our fears of math so that we can teach and inspire our children to enjoy math. Also, we must know the facts before we understand the concept.

Example
Mothers can't teach what they aren't excited about. Wait, they can, but if they aren't excited about it that's when the requiring usually takes presidence over the inspiring. The idea of You, Not Them takes on a whole different meaning when we look at it as YOU set the exampe, YOU focus on what is needed in the family and take THEM along with you. You, not Them does not mean only focus on yourself and ignore your children (remember: TJEd does not advocate ignoring).

Emancipation (or Elbow Room....Whatever E word means "freedom" to you). :-)
I have noticed with my children that when we are overscheduled there is much less inspired learning going on. When I free the calendar and leave plenty of room in our day for exploring and questions and imagination, that is when the inspiring truly takes place. "The effectiveness of freedom truly recommends itself. More people should try it (p.68)."

Articles to Read
Are We There Yet? - Rebekah Joy Anast
Changes, Changes Everywhere - Oliver DeMille
Math Resources & Books Mentioned
Kumon Math
Fermat's Enigma (the first math inspiring book I read)
Life of Fred series

 
Next Month: Transition to Scholar Phase

Mentoring Mothers: What it Means to Mentor

January 2011 Meeting Notes
Our Mentoring Mothers group is back in action! And I don't know about the other ladies, but for me it was a great uplift and gave me the exact recharge I needed!!


We are still discussing the Love of Learning phase, for us and our children. I had many things on the agenda, but we ended up using the whole two hours on just learning and discussing what it really means to MENTOR (rather than nagging our children as mothers are so good at doing!). :-) Most of what we discussed is in Leadership Education by the DeMilles. I'll try to sum it all up as best I can (but if you really want to be recharged, the meetings are so much better!).

"There is nothing more challenging in the entire educational world than an excellent Love of Learning Phase. Day in and day out, week after week and year after year, the parent-teacher's role is to inspire the child to happily, consistently and unswervingly study, learn, search, discover, enlighten, know and apply." - - Leadership Education, p. 86

There are 6 "How To's" of Mentoring

1. Use the Classics - we tied this in a bit with the current events "how to" (#4) in how using the classics and history to prepare our children for disasterous or violent things that may happen in our current society. If we are well-versed in the Classics and our children are familiar with them, it's easier to relate to the events that may be occuring at the present time.

2. Personalize - We talked extensively about this one! Sometimes, especially with multiple children and only so much time & energy as a mother/mentor, it is hard to figure out HOW to completely personalize our child's education. Some ideas we came up with were:

- Holding a quality FEC & personal interviews with each child (this seemed to be #1)

Of this the DeMilles say, "We discuss the children individually . . . concerns, needs, opportunities, problems, struggles, hopes, fears, doubts, talents, any particular impressions one of us may have regarding them, etc....This is the first and most important step to mentoring a child in any phase (p. 64)."

We also talked about how this doesn't always have to be the formal sit down setting. One family hold their "meetings" on the parents' bed because it's comfortable and informal feeling. One father prefers to hold the interviews on an as needed basis while doing other things with an individual child, rather than as a sit down personal interview. There are ways to make FEC and personal interviews work for YOUR family... it just important to make it happen...consistantly. And sometimes all this means is giving them a chance to talk and knowing you will listen!

- Knowing your children - who they are and what they can do

- Looking at the Adult Skills list in the Home Compaion to see what each child needs

- Sometimes is requires dropping what you're doing & to get involved with them. One mother said, "I chose this life." In other words, it's okay and necessary to put other things on hold to devote to what I have chosen to do, which is being a mother and a mentor for my children.

3. Keep it Simple - Stick to the basics! Read, discuss, & write. One example I think of is my friend, the author of Frolic & Farce . She covers so much, but keeps it basic and simple...with lots and lots of reading! We also mentioned the need to be aware of your family rhythms. Is it a moment for a long, drawn out mini-unit? Or do we all just need to veg in front of a great classic movie for the afternoon? We need to be flexible and aware of our family needs rather than sticking strictly to the schedule Mom has in her mind! :-)

4. Apply lessons to life (we discussed this along with classics) - We also talked a little bit about being involved in the Great Debate and discussing ideas and current event issues with our children.

5. Only Accept Quality Work - HOW do you do this (without the nagging and pulling out your hair)?!?
First - it starts with chores. Hopefully, simply by saying, "Not good enough, do it again" will sink in one day and they'll realize they will have more time to play if they do it right the first time. I realized after the discussion that I need to expect more quality work from myself. Sometimes I do my chores to the "just good enough" stage.
Second - This also relates to character building. We expect quality in characteristics, not just external work.
Third - often times we need to show them what quality really is, not just expect them to already know.
Fourth - it's okay to let them fail to discover quality work for themselves. One mother shared how her daughter started to care about her work when she realized her friends couldn't read her writing.

6. Set the Example - Involve the children in what MOM is doing, learning, planning, preparing. Children need to know their opinions matter. They need to know that their mentor thinks they are capable of doing the things the mentor is currently working on. Involve your kids in your church lessons, the cooking, your blog posts, your life! Let them know you want them to be a part of it. We talked about how making our children feel needed boosts their confidence and gives them that sense of longing to be scholars. Talk that came up during this discussion was Elder Perry's, "Mothers Teaching Children in the Home" (April 2010).

Here are some of the things we do to be better mentors:

* Seek time with our higher source, alone and prayerful each day
* Getting up early in the morning before the children to center ourselves
* During that time, write inspired thoughts on sticky notes to post where you can see them and be reminded of what you need to do that day/week/month
* Bedtime self-control!
* Prioritize and lessen the guilt; clear our plate to devote specific time to our children (i.e. don't give them an assignment and then run to get our stuff done)
* Be aware of our own attitude and reactions throughout the day
* LOVE - think more of their needs rather than our wants

One Concluding Thought

The overall theme of the day, for me anyway, was that we need to make it a priority to mentor & to focus our energies on what we have chosen to do in our lives. In doing that we need to free our lives of things that can be put on hold. We can evaluate what is taking up most of our time and how we can better manage those demands on our time.

The DeMilles put it nicely, "It is important to have an over-arching view of what you value and how you want to spend your time." If we can do that on a daily basis, put our values and vision first, we can be successful Mentoring Mothers!